I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
