He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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