I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
