This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize