The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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