dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
