Will you blow on my dice?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
