well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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