My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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