at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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