I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I would fuck him just for his dog
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