I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
