So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
