well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize