After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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