i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
