I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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