my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
