ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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