i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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