Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
