A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
