i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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