i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
