i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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