it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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