I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
