Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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