you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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