glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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