You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
