Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
