WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
