This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
