awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
