please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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