Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
