so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
