i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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