Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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