chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
COCAINE IS GR8
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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