the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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