His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Everclear isn't food dammit
How does it feel to date your dad?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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