you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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