Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
