I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
