Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
