Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
