He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
