when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
