you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
