I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
