After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
