Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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